Psych 120

Frickle

 

Relationship Maturity

 

According to the research of Kathleen White and others, our capacity for mature intimacy is something that develops alongside our identity development.  We aren’t able to be maturely intimate until we master certain skills and have a fully formed identity. 

 

Intimacy is the process of relating closely to other people, as friends and as ‘romantic’ partners.  Close relating requires certain skills.  One must be able to take the other person’s perspective, see things from their point of view.  It also requires us to be empathic, to sense and to share the other person’s emotional experience.  Specific behaviors required in an intimate relationship are as follows: communicating (self-disclosing, listening, initiating discussions and responding to the other person), sharing the pleasures and burdens of the relationship equally with the other person and doing those things which are necessary to ensure that the relationship continues.  We don’t acquire these abilities without practice.  White and others have found that the practice comes in a progression of steps or levels of relationship maturity.

 

Each individual moves through the levels at a different rate so it is possible for Person A to be at Level 1 while Person B has moved on to Level 2.  It is most typical for adolescents to be at Level 1 and as they move into young adulthood, reach Level 3 sometime in their 20’s.  Relationship maturity DOES NOT refer to the maturity of the relationship! 

 

 

 

Here is a brief description of how the skills are demonstrated at each of the three levels of relationship maturity.

 

Level 1:  Self-Focused.

The skills are just emerging at this level so they aren’t demonstrated with much clarity.  At this level we think about the relationship and the other person in terms of how they affect us and whether our needs are being met.  When we communicate with the other person it is usually about what we want or need and how we feel or it is about external topics like sports or clothes or other people.  We have a hard time understanding the other person’s needs, especially if they aren’t similar to our own.  As long as our needs are met, then we are committed to the relationship.  In romantic relationships, we tend not to pay much attention to the sexual needs of the other person or understand the affectionate, emotional dimension of sex.

 

 

Level 2:  Role-Focused.

At this level we do see the other person as an individual. Primarily we see them in the role they have with us.  Our view of that role tends to be stereotypical, meaning that we think of the individual as having the needs, wants and abilities of that role (e.g.  boyfriend=calls everyday, pays for dates, gives romantic gifts).  When we express our caring for that person, it is usually in a socially acceptable, stereotypical way (e.g. girlfriend=cancels plans with friends to be with boyfriend, allows boyfriend to pay for dates) and not in ways that really meet the needs or desires of the individual (e.g. boyfriend and girlfriend split entertainment costs because neither has much money). 

 

When it comes to communication, it too tends to be socially programmed by role.  People in romantic relationships will often say that they intend to stay in the relationship, or be a good girl/boyfriend or spouse.  They tend not to express a commitment to the person.  Often they cannot articulate the other’s needs or their own needs beyond those that are socially, stereotypically defined. At this level people know that relationships require effort, but they aren’t really clear about what that entails.  They also tend to talk a great deal about the importance of communication, but lack communication skills.  When a sexual relationship is present, it is usually described as “fine”, while a lack of sexual interest is dismissed as “typical”.

 

Level 3, Individuated-Connected.

People at this level clearly show that they understand the other person and themselves.  They readily consider the other person’s point of view, they understand the other’s motivations and anticipate the needs of the other.  At this level, people understand the personal time and commitment necessary for a successful relationship and follow through on that understanding.  Role-specific behaviors are sometimes present but so are very individualized expressions of concern, based on a deep knowledge and understanding of the other person.  At this level communication is not just valued, but it is practiced.  Conflict resolution, self-disclosure and relationship-centered communication occurs.  They communicate about external topics as well. Sexual relationships show tenderness, emotion and occasional frustration is understood and tolerated. 

 

According to Kathleen White, an adult identity is usually required before Level 3 can be reached.  People must have a clear sense of self and be individuated before they can connect with another in this way.  People making the transition from adolescence to adulthood are typically at Level 1 or 2.

 

 

 

 

Adapted from:

Paul, E.L., & White, K.M. (1990).  The development of intimate relationships in late adolescence. Adolescence, 98, 375-400.